A Journey through Simple Abundance

My friend Phyllis Ollar Goodwin commented and I agree . . . There is a light now and then and I do seem to find it when I come out OK on the other side as my friend Barbara McDonald mentioned. I have to thank both of you for your comments because the analogy it gave me in relation to what I go through is pretty big. You gave me an insight into a different way of thinking about the way I go through things and how I come out in the end.

We always hear “. . . the light at the end of the tunnel” but you two nailed it. I'm sure there could be other interpretations . . . but for me? The light is how you feel when you come out OK on the other side of the tunnel. It’s just a good feeling. It’s like when the sadness or whatever hits us we start through a tunnel. Sometimes the tunnel is short and sometimes it’s long. We always want to come out OK on the other side. If we do . . . it’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

MARCH 3, 2015

So I’m down at Zips, listening to Adele on my laptop and writing this post. My two favorite waitresses are here, Valerie and Libby. I’m back in the far corner, my friend Sandy Hutton is having breakfast on the other side with a friend. When she was finished she came over to where I was sitting and we talked for a while. I told her what I was going to post about as her and I have talked about it before.

When I got up last night and did that little post about the snow, it was because, as usual, I can’t fall asleep and didn’t necessarily want to take a pill to make that happen. So I didn’t sleep at all last night. I don't talk a lot about this but this not being able to fall asleep at night when I go to bed is the pits! I absolutely hate it! It has disrupted my life and makes me feel a little sleep deprivation that seems to continue. So now I guess I'll tell you a little story, a path I’ve been on for about 6-7 months, recognizing a little different type of depression, dealing with it and am pretty sure I will come out OK on the other side when I’m finished with this little journey.

If I remember a Comment Barbara McDonald made in response to a post I made a while back . . . . it had to do with all the experiences and emotional feelings we have to go through. These feelings can last for a day, days, weeks or months (in this case it’s 6-7 months) . . . and when we are finished with that little emotional journey, we hope we have come out OK on the other side and feel better than when we went into it. That seems to be the norm for me, but this little “sleepless” journey I’m on . . . I haven’t made it out the other side yet . . . but I will! It’s all part of the bigger journey I’m on and you all know what that is.

So there are two things that changed about 6-7 months ago; one of which is not being able to fall asleep at night . . . regardless of what time I go to bed. What the hell is up with that? Why did this wait to happen until I’m about a year into this bigger journey I’m on? Something changed in me. It’s a strange experience for me because I’ve never had a problem falling asleep in my entire life. Is it another part of depression that crops up at a time you wouldn’t expect it? I’m sure!

I’m still on this “not sleeping” journey. It's a process to get through. Didn’t recognize this as a problem until about 4-5 months ago and couldn’t seem to make an appointment with the doctor until about two months ago. That’s another part of depression . . . and another thing that changed 6-7 months ago . . . not being able to make those feet move forward and get things done. Things as simple as making a phone call! I didn’t have this problem when this journey started back on October 25, 2013.

But what this whole post is all about is the little Ambien drug journey I’ve been on for 2-3 months. Not a good drug. It can be addictive and I’m not ready for that. I read all the side effects and didn’t start taking it for two weeks after I got the prescription filled, but needed to take it because I needed to sleep and give me time to think about this. But for the moment, and until I get a little better understanding of this and get a few things into motion, it will do for now . . . but not much longer.

The only side effect I had in the beginning was dreaming. Now I’ve always dreamed and most of the time I can remember my dreams. So I started taking it and I know the first week I have about five dreams, not nightmares (as is a side effect), and at the time I remember them. Most of them have faded away, but one sticks in my mind so I might have to tell it to you in another post. Interesting dream.

So now that I’ve been to the doctor . . . strange that that didn’t happen until over a year into this journey. You would think that a person would have gotten to the doctor long before I did, like when you are going through the initial grieving . . . just wasn’t in the cards for me I guess until a few months ago. It’s all about recognizing what you’re going through and finding the right time to address it . . . or feeling like you even want to address it. Which I didn’t . . . but knew I needed to.

So this little journey I’m on right now is a real eye-opener for me. Going down the drug road to deal with depression is not always the best path and I know that. It is not a path I want to follow or will follow . . . but for the moment it will do until I can get some other things in motion. I know there is a healthier way to deal with this and that’s a path I’m getting ready to turn down, but for now? It’ all good!

It’s topics such as this that I don’t post about until I’m back on a more positive path. It is a slow process to get through, not something that works itself out overnight and I know that. I have a lot of friends and family that are supporting me through this time. The picture I posted with this post, I took this morning. I’m sure it can be a little deceiving . . .

Just know that this girl will be OK.

Betty Stout: You rock Shirley, and always have!! As you said, you'll come out OK. Love ya!
Phyllis Ollar Goodwin: I find your posts amazing. You are so open. If nothing else, it will make others in similar circumstances realize they are not alone and that it is a hard journey, but there is light now and then. You are obviously a fighter and a well-informed one. Kudos.
Brigette Murphy: Yes Shirley, you WILL be okay! You ARE okay. Keep moving forward.

It's been almost a year since I've updated this journey on my website. I have family members that are not on Facebook and have no idea what I go through at times as those on Facebook do. These posts are mainly for my sister, Peggy, and my niece, Cindy. Love you two!

To all my Facebook friends and family. You all know how I feel about flying. Today I flew from Spokane, WA to Mesquite, NV to visit my sister, Peggy, for a week. Whew!! Can’t believe I did that. As I got ready to go through the check-in Rebecca and I gave each other a big hug and we each had tears in our eyes. This was huge for me as I’ve only flown twice and Rebecca was with me both times. Whenever I came to the Spokane Airport it was with Lester . . . and he wasn't there. I was on my own! I think it was emotional for the two of us because we both knew this was part of the new journey I was on. It truly was time for me to get out of my comfort zone and start flying if I wanted to continue seeing friends and family. This is really hard for me.

My trip was absolutely awesome. When I got to the area where you board, there were two ladies sitting 1-2 seats apart and apparently were carrying on conversations. They both looked to be around my age so I made my way over to them. It only took the three of us a few minutes to realize we all had lost our husbands. Before long we were talking about all sorts of stuff.

Standing in the line to board the plane, the numbers we drew separated us enough that I wasn’t sure we were going to be able to sit together. Well, as I boarded and started walking toward the middle of the plane, there was Helen sitting in the aisle seat. As we made eye contact we both smiled. It didn’t take long for Elaine to find us and we were all able to sit together. During the flight and now sitting here with my sister, I thought about all the things we talked about during the two hours we were on the plane. I’m sure we entertained everyone around us because I sure don’t remember hearing anyone else talking as we were. There was no lack of conversation!

Helen lives in Coeur D’alene, Idaho and Elaine lives in Tucson, Arizona. We exchanged e-mail addresses and Facebook names. Most of you know me and taking pictures. I told them we needed to get a picture of the three of us and silently I hoped we could get someone to take a picture of the three of us. And we did.

Thank you to my two new friends, Helen and Elaine, for making my two-hour trip the best. It’s wonderful to meet new people and not only have something in common as we all did, but to be able to enjoy all of the conversations that we each shared. Thank you you two!

As you can see from the pictures, we migrated from the snowy Spokane/Idaho topography to Las Vegas. After my sister, Peggy, and her two friends picked me up at the airport, our first stop was the Cannery Casino and Buffet. I was ready to eat. As we left my sister gave me $20 and said pick out a slot machine and play. Won $72 . . . she took her $20 and gave me $52. What a sis!!

Tomorrow morning will be buffet breakfast at the Virgin River . . . comped as my sis earns lots of points playing Keno . . . and the food is great!

I haven’t posted much about what I am grateful for; although there have been many things lately during this journey I am on. But as I post this gratefulness I have tears in my eyes because I have the most awesome neighbors surrounding me and looking out for me.

In the past couple of days I’m sure there have been 3-5 inches of snow that has fallen. I haven’t had to go anywhere so I haven’t been out there myself shoveling the snow aside. My neighbor Craig next door came over earlier and shoveled my walkway and my driveway. The snow continued to fall and tonight I’m hearing something outside and it’s my neighbor on the other side of Craig who came with his plow on the front of his truck and plowed my driveway again.

Jim directly across the street from me has shoveled by hand as well as bringing his snow blower over to clear my driveway numerous times. Brad who lives next door to him has also come over several times to clear my driveway. I feel ever so grateful to have neighbors that are looking out for me since Lester is not here to take care of these things. And while none of these neighbors are on Facebook, I have thanked them all personally from the bottom of my heart.

February 26, 2014
SHIRLEY'S JOURNAL - SIMPLE ABUNDANCE

I haven’t posted for my Simple Abundance which seems to be normal for me. I haven’t even picked up the book in a while, but that doesn’t mean I’m not experiencing some of what I have read. Some days seem to be easier than others and maybe that’s why yesterday seemed hard for me because it was four months since Lester passed away. So here goes.

This morning, in a moment I was having, I talked to Lester and to God. It’s still easy for me to feel him especially when I think about what I always did first thing in the morning after coming down stairs. Lester was usually sitting at the counter reading a western book. I would face him, place my hands and arms under his flannel shirt, which he always wore, and nestle my head on his neck where I could feel his warmth and beard. It’s a good feeling and I can feel this anytime and I love it.

So this morning, feeling the tears, I said my prayers and asked for guidance in this new journey. I seem to be doing this quite a bit. I’m sure there have been things that have come to me, just haven’t posted anything, but this is what’s going on now. I know I’m looking for something to help fill the void. I’m finding things, but there is still a big void. It can be a lonely place for those who have lost their spouses; and yes, it’s important to find those things that fill you. I know all about this . . . I just have to go at my own pace and some days you feel like shit and don’t want to stop to find anything. It’s just the way it is.

Anyway, afterwards as I’m sitting here catching up on scrabble and thinking about fixing my healthy vegetable juice drink, the thought came to me about finding a dance group. Now where the hell did that come from? I can just imagine. Back in the days when I worked at Farmers Insurance regional office in Merced, CA; once a year , we had our Profit Sharing party at the bowling alley. We would all gather after work to celebrate the checks we received. The bowling alley catered to us and we enjoyed eating food, drinking, dancing and visiting with everyone. When Lester got off work, he went to the Franklin bar and later would meet up with me at the bowling alley. He always came to the bowling alley on Profit Sharing day and always asked me, “How much was your profit sharing?” We usually paid off some bill and split the money between us. Seems like I remember getting around $1,500 to $2,000 back then which was huge for us.

I’ve always loved dancing and enjoyed it during the times Lester and I partied and drank. I always danced with someone else because Lester didn’t dance, didn’t want to and was OK with me dancing with others. Once he quit drinking, we didn’t frequent the bars anymore and the dancing stopped . . . and I’ve always missed it. So today when this thought came to me after my moment with Lester and God, I have decided to check into a dance group. Haven’t done this yet, but the thought has surfaced and I’m sure it’s my authentic self. There are many groups out there; although my favorite music is the 50s, I would love to learn to line dance and some of the others that are out there.

So after reflecting on all of the above and thinking about it, I am also thinking about what I posted for Day 5 of Simple Abundance and my “authentic self”. – part of which was “. . . there was a part of me back then that I let go by the wayside and stay in the background because it didn't quite fit into our lifestyle, but that was OK. I was fulfilled with many other things he gave me.” I think when Lester quit drinking this was something I let go by the wayside and stay in the background.

Now, I’m thinking my authentic self doesn’t want to stay in the background anymore . I think she’s trying to come out and tell me something. You think? I’ll just go with the flow.

I sure didn’t think this post would be this long, but it seems when I start typing, the words start flowing. I’m listening to 50s music on Sirius XM and the song playing is The Silhouettes “Get a Job” . . . Umm. I’m sure this is leading to another post. Things do pop up that move my thinking along into areas I wouldn’t normally think about. The picture posted is at the bowling alley at one of our Profit Sharing parties. I'm sure it was 35+ years ago!

Thanks everyone for bearing with me during this long post, but I totally feel much better . . . and that’s the way it’s supposed to be on this journey.

So in honor of my husband, Lester, I heated up a cup of coffee, pulled out a handful of Oreo cookies and sat down to watch the Dirty Dozen with Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Ernest Borgnine, Telly Savalas, John Cassavetes, Donald Sutherland, Clint Walker, Jim Brown, Robert Ryan, George Kennedy, Richard Jaeckel and Trini Lopez. It was one of Lester’s favorite movies and I’m sure he watched it more than about 20 times. I’m not one to watch suspenseful scenes, but I persevered and watched the entire movie. It was great. Love you Lester!

February 4, 2014
SHIRLEY'S JOURNAL -- SIMPLE ABUNDANCE

I’m sure many of you have noticed once again I have not been posting from my Simple Abundance book. I’m really not sure what is going on that makes me stop because I always seem to feel better when I am posting.

I’d been putting off going to town because of snow here and there so today was a good day. The sun was shining! It was beautiful! As I started down Rutter Parkway . . . the tears came. Should’ve known! But then . . . they don’t always come. The feeling is so sad because I drive through places that we drove through ALL the time. I miss him so.

By the time I get to town I’m OK, my eyes are dry and it’s time to indulge . . . so I go to Ross’, BedBathBeyond, RiteAid, Burlington Coat Factory and a few more. The sun shined all day long! It was great. Then I started home and they came again. So today I cried both ways . . . this journey has a lot of the same kind of bumps.

Doing a post when I got home was the furthest thing from my mind. I started up my computer to check on Scrabble and Facebook and ran across some posts between myself and my teenage great-great-niece, Samantha. We had just recently reconnected again and were chatting back and forth when our “chats” made me think of Day 27 - The Illustrated Discovery Journal. I needed to post that one. I told her she gave me inspiration and that’s why I’ve started this post. You never know when something or someone is going to “prod” you along in a way you wouldn’t have thought. Thank you for the inspiration Samantha. Love you!

January 30, 2014
Shirley's Journal - Simple Abundance

So I’m cooking and cleaning off the counter and putting stuff away and there’s a 4x6 photo of Lester and me at my niece Janie’s house when we were in Merced. I picked it up and just stared at it and the sadness and tears just descended upon me. Like I have said in my earlier posts, the sadness and tears come without warning.

My first thought was to just allow myself to feel it and let it go, but I wasn’t quite ready yet. I wanted to stay in this realm a little longer. And I knew that was OK.

There was sadness in my heart as I talked to him while crying. I so wanted him to be here with me but knew that wasn’t going to happen. So after lingering longer than I normally do, it was time – I let it go and came back to the present time which was to my computer; and thus, this post.

I’m not sure if I will get back to post a Simple Abundance Day tonight, but if not I have a few gratefuls that I am grateful for:

1. I’m grateful I feel comfortable talking to Lester. Most times it seems like it’s for guidance and understanding. Sometimes it’s just crying . . . and that’s OK.

2. I’m grateful at last to have found a bulb that fits my Scentsy burner. Rebecca and I have been searching for a while and emails we sent were never responded to. Oh well – I have one now!

3. My neighbor, Brad, coming over and snow blowing my walkway and driveway this morning. I love my neighbors.

As I’m finishing #3, my neighbor Nancy stops by and wants me to go for a walk with her . . . IN THE SNOW!! I graciously tried to say no but she was persistent. She asked me if I had a coat, a hat, gloves, etc. I think I was ill prepared.

I had one of Lester’s jackets hanging on a hook which is a warm one, I had some skimpy gloves and had a sweatshirt jacket with hood that I put on under the jacket and it was pretty warm. I guess I was set to walk in snow while it was snowing!

We walked around the neighborhood, talked about a lot of things, her husband, my husband, etc. She said she was talking to her husband, Ben, about something and Ben said, “Yeah, just like Lester.” It’s amazing to listen to the guys talk about him. They all so remember him and each has their own personal memory about him. I love that!

So after this little “trek” in the snow and I’m back home, it doesn’t take much to finish up the other two. I am grateful for . . .

4. Nancy stopping by. I think I needed that at that moment. Taking a walk in nature, even if it’s snowing, can be very uplifting. Really had a great time walking through the snow and catching up on stuff with her.
5. the caring neighbors I have!

I truly am glad Rebecca and I found the bulbs for our burners. She gave me mine for Christmas one year so it has a special meaning and love to burn it.

January 28, 2014
Shirley’s Journal – Simple Abundance

Yesterday’s topic was The Daily Dialogue. It’s about becoming aware of all the internal/external conversations that you continuously carry on with yourself. It keeps you in an uneasy feeling. This topic is one that truly affected me when Lester passed away and was one I needed to deal with.

Both the Simple Abundance and The Power of Now cover the topic of internal dialog and each give you tools to use to quiet this dialog. This Day has you writing down your conversations with yourself which helps eliminate the mental chaos and The Power of Now shows how to pull yourself back into the present moment through visualization when you mind starts going in all sorts of directions.

When Lester passed away and I’m in the motorhome thinking about all the stuff, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’d start down that “dark” path and fueled the internal dialog. I didn’t want to go there because it brought on so much hurt and sadness. It seemed like it didn’t take long before all the other external chaos started filtering in and before I know it, I’m role-playing all these negative scenarios. What if . . . why didn’t . . . I wish . . . and the list goes on.

I know there are various stages one goes through with the loss of their spouse and I’m here to say I’ve felt them all; but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel them anymore – I’ve just found a way to visualize and work through them so I don’t go down that dark path day after day. When I stop and think about it I find that my dark days are less and less as is the void. There are changes taking place on this journey.

The book says you have to perform a new behavior for 21 days in order for it to become habitual. I’ve been doing this for about three months. Because I do visualize each time that sadness or hurt or whatever surfaces, I am able to feel it and visualize it dissipating. When I open my eyes I’m back in the present and I go on about my day. It’s a good feeling. That's where Lester would want me to be.

There are a lot of good things that have come out of this posting and past days’ readings: I am grateful for . . .

1. the spiritual books I have been graced with over the years that have helped me through this sad time. The knowledge is priceless.
2. the “awareness” the Simple Abundance book has given me.
3. the “void” in my life beginning to get smaller.
4. the part my daughter has played in making this “void” smaller. Love you Rebecca. MOM
5. the knowledge given to me to help understand what the “present moment” is all about.

Sarah writes, “Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy. But this requires a profound inner shift in our reality”.

January 27, 2014

The Daily Dialogue
Shirley’s Journal – Simple Abundance

Today, my friend Sandy, her friend Pat and I joined a group of people for dinner at the Safari at the Davenport in Spokane. This group meets about twice a week just to get together, have lunch or dinner, and just enjoy each other’s company. Like me – they have each lost their spouse.

Sandy had told me about this group about a month or so ago and I knew when the time was right that I would come with her to one of them. I was looking forward to meeting and socializing with people who all had something in common with me.

What a great bunch. I sat next to a lady that she and her husband traveled around as Lester and I did. We had lots to talk about because her and her husband had been members of Thousand Trails, as Lester and I were. Pat and I didn’t seem to be at a loss for conversation either. It was a great!

I think the Daily Dialogue is going to have to wait until tomorrow. And with that . . . here is what I am grateful for today:

I am grateful . . .

1. for meeting two great ladies today.
2. for the hard French bread and butter I ordered with my Caesar salad. It was so good. As a rule I try to stay away from bread so this was a real “treat”.
3. for being alive.
4. for my warm home.
5. for my HGTV and Hallmark channels! They got me through many nights.

It’s late and I’m headed to bed.

Jeanie Bragonier	What a wonderful group of ladies! I do think we are lucky as females to be able to have women friends who help bring happiness into our lives. I don't mean to say men don't, but you just don't see it as much. Either way, it sounds like you and your new friend have a lot in common. I hope you'll be able to join them often. Sandy seems like a very nice person...but I'm not surprised. You're the type of person others would enjoy being around. Have a wonderful Tuesday Shirley.
Rebecca Mullin	Sounds like a great time. Good friends can make all the difference.!
Denise Mansfield	God puts you right where you need to be. I'm so happy you have this group.
Louise Bell DeVries	I, too, cherish my friends. As you know, we meet once a month and sometimes more. You may join us anytime you are in the area. We'll have a special lunch just for you!!! Did you see Steel Magnolia's? It pretty much summed up the value of having both caring spouses and loyal, understanding, women friends.
Melody Nye	I am so glad you have found these ladies. There are things that nobody else can totally understand. Some things you would just feel a little crazy admitting to anyone who has not been through it. Love you.

’I’ve been away from the Simple Abundance for various reasons and need to get back into it somewhat. I’m not going to cover all the missed days, but one day, January 14, is important. It’s all about gratitude.

Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of Simple Abundance says if we want to travel the journey with her, “the gratitude journal is not an option”. Each night before she goes to bed, she writes down five things she is grateful for that day. When I did this back in 2008, I never had a problem coming up with five things each day.

1. For my wonderful daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren that live near me. It is a comforting feeling to have them close by.

2. For not feeling sad when I woke up this morning. I went through the day being busy with thoughts and stuff and by the end of the day I realized I hadn’t cried once. I’m looking for better days to be more than the sad days. Not quite there yet.

3. My husband was thinking about my welfare when he took a reduced amount on his retirement so that if something happened, I would be taken care of. I am ever so grateful for this.

4. I qualified for a credit card as I had to start establishing credit in my name. It was a good thing my credit was good when they ran it for the credit card. That credit card allowed me to transfer a renovation bill into an account that was zero interest for 15 months.

It’s amazing the things you think about when you put conscious effort into it. You soon realize things you took for granted are actually the abundances that already exist in your life. Writing down what you are grateful for is part of the inner exploration. Consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life – changes your thinking and awareness and brings about a feeling of serenity.

Today was a good day!

It’s hard to believe Lester has been gone three months today. I miss him so much. Some days are easier than others. It still doesn’t take much for the tears to come. They come when I least expect them. Walking down a grocery aisle, sitting in a restaurant, driving into Spokane . . . it doesn’t matter. There is always something that reminds me of him and they just come.

But it’s becoming easier to make it through the day because I have my wonderful daughter walking beside me. We talk about a lot of stuff and I think that in itself helps fulfill each of us so the void is not so big.

On a lighter note: Whether Lester and I were at home or traveling in the RV, he did the majority of the cooking and I cleaned up the kitchen and did the dishes. I once asked him if he wanted to trade and he said, “You’re doing just fine.” I remember smiling at that one.

OK – Here is another one of those days that I’m having a hard time with. I’m sure by the time I get through this page I’ll have something to write about. So bear with me.

This Simple Abundance “Day” talks about the downturn of the economy and how we begin to question the financial yardstick by which we measure our personal net worth and therefore our happiness. This day wants us to learn to be optimists. Expect something good to happen today no matter what occurred yesterday.

Has a recession affected you personally? The author writes that it’s very easy to surrender to an emotional depression when a financial one occurs. In the 42 years that Lester and I were together, we knew when the recessions were going on; but I’m not sure we ever thought about it or were worried about it. Our needs were being met.

We had good jobs with good companies and good benefits. Our cars were in good shape, we paid the bills, bought groceries, made sure Rebecca had lunch money and whatever else, and the rest we just partied all the time. Were we measuring our personal “net worth” back then? I don’t think so. But we thought we were happy.

My personal net worth? I think that increases with the awareness that arises each day when I read Simple Abundance.

It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth—and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up—that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. – ELISABETH KUBLER ROSS

The above quote was the first thing written on Day 10 and the rest of the page wasn't of any interest to me, so my post, for the most part, has to do with the quote above.

Well, this day sure said it like it was. Lester and I both knew our time was limited here on earth as we were both getting older, but never in a moment would I have believed he would leave as soon as he did. When we talked about this we both felt we had at least 10-15 years. Who would have thought it would happen as it did. I sure didn’t!

Did we live each day to the fullest? When I think about it now, I think we did, but I think we lived each day to the fullest more so when we were traveling. He loved to travel. Traveling allowed us to see new places, friends and family that we would not have seen had we not been traveling. People do not travel as they once did and Lester and I knew this; and knew if we were going to venture into new places, see friends and family – we needed to travel. We were excited to be traveling again and that was the journey we were on when my whole world came crashing down.

When all of this happened to Lester and before I left Merced, I forced myself to go get an x-ray. I kept putting it off because I was afraid of what might show up. It’s a scary feeling, but it turned out OK. As we get older, we need to be in tune with our bodies and be alert for things that seem to be changing and don’t just think it’s “old age”.

I have no way of knowing when my time is up, but with this Simple Abundance journey I am on, I am trying to live each day to the fullest and enjoy life as it’s meant to be. ~ Shirley

SIMPLE ABUNDANCE -– DAY 9

This day is all about needs and wants. Do I have all that I need? I’m sure I do.

Wants are a different story. Not many of us have everything we want, but our wants can consume us. The author writes that it’s easy to lose clarity about what it is we need to live authentically. The majority of us are hungering for something more in our lives. At this point in my life, I’m not sure I’m hungering for anything.

Lester left me with everything I needed. He gave me a warm home to live in, money to pay the bills and buy groceries, and a car that is in great condition. To live happily and creatively and feel our lives are fulfilled, it is crucial to distinguish between our wants and our needs. Like infants, we feel contentment when our essential needs are met . . . and I think this is where I am right now.

When I stop and reflect on this, there is a feeling of contentment within me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about “wanting” stuff – It’s just that now that “stuff” really doesn’t seem important to me. And I’m OK with that.

Working through the Simple Abundance book is different this time. I feel like I’m truly living a new journey and I’m sure it has to do with Lester’s death and a new awareness within me. This is a sad time for me; but at the same time, reading Simple Abundance has given me much insight and “tools” to work with that give me an understanding of what this “journey” is all about. ~ Shirley

The author writes “Every morning when we wake up we’ve been given a wonderful gift – another day of life – so let’s make the most of it.”

When you lose a spouse and wake up the next morning, there is a sadness – an unhappiness that surrounds you. Happiness is the furthest thing from your mind. On January 1 I picked up the Simple Abundance book that Rebecca gave me back in 2007 and began this journey again.

Happiness is a quality of thought – a state of mind. When I wake up now there is still a sadness and unhappiness, but the feeling is different. There is awareness. Do I have a duty to be happy? I think so. My authentic self thinks so too.

SIMPLE ABUNDANCE – DAY 7

How Happy Are You Right Now?

The first sentence of this page is, “How Happy Are You Right Now? I’m not sure that I “feel” happy right now, but I feel better about things more so than I did a couple of months ago and even more in the past week. Finding happiness after the death of one’s husband is truly a journey in itself.

Over the past few months, I’m sure I have just been going through the motions to take care of things that need taking care of without any thought to experiencing real life or my authentic self. I think a lot of that has changed since starting “Simple Abundance”. There has to be awareness on my part to savor the small, authentic moments that bring a smile to my face and contentment in my heart.

Simple abundance is an “inner journey” and encourages us to expand our thinking and be creative in the way we live. It is important for me to find the things that truly make me happy. Maybe I am looking at this wrong. The author writes about Joanna - a woman who began to feel that she was not living a truly authentic life nor did she not know what made her truly happy. Hmm . . . Sounds like me.

In reading this “Day” and pondering over it, I find in order to experience moments of happiness, I need to be aware of what it is that I genuinely love. Attention is the intentional directing of awareness. When you place yourself in a state of awareness it gives you a deeper understanding of yourself and allows you to expand your thinking. What do I genuinely love?

It didn’t take me long to know what I genuinely love . . . and that is my daughter, Rebecca. While I have always known this, it now comes with a deeper understanding . . . And one of the moments that I always savor and one that brings a smile to my face is watching her be her “self” and let loose a little at her “chili” parties. Watching her be in the moment and having fun always brings a smile to my face . . . these are truly moments of happiness and I love it!

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Writing Day 7 was an eye opener for me. It has given me a deeper understanding of moments of happiness and how it's connected to genuine love. There's lots of moments that I'm thinking of now so will start writing them down.

January 6

Standing Knee-Deep in a River and Dying of Thirst (Kathy Mattea's song)

SIMPLE ABUNDANCE – DAY 6

Standing Knee-Deep in a River and Dying of Thirst

This “Day’s” title is a song by Kathy Mattea where she sings of friends who have been taken for granted at times in their lives. How often have we failed to appreciate someone or something that is very familiar or obvious?

The author of Simple Abundance writes on this day that when she first heard this song she was driving down the road and had to pull over because she was crying so much. She wasn’t consciously aware of being sad so why was she crying? As she listened to the words something stirred in her – she realized there were many things she was taking for granted and didn’t want to live “unconsciously” anymore.

We have everything we need in our lives to make us happy, but lack the conscious awareness to appreciate it. Do we go through our days parched and empty “thirsting” after happiness when we truly are standing knee-deep in the river of abundance? Today we should quench our thirst for “the good life” and acknowledge the good that already exists in our own lives.

There was so much good in our lives and so many things that I was truly grateful for in our marriage. But after reading this “Day”, I think there were a lot of “little things” I wasn’t consciously aware enough to be grateful about.

Was I grateful at the many times Lester and I walked down the aisles of Walmart? Probably not. We were just taking a trip to Walmart. I was in there the other day after getting the car washed and was walking down one of the aisles when all of a sudden the tears came. So unexpectedly! I never know when they will come. I was remembering all the times we did this together and so missed him walking next to me at that time. Am I now grateful for all those times we walked down the aisles of Walmart? You bet!!

I didn’t think about this before, but think about it now. On those days when the tears would come just out of the blue, and still do, it was because something would remind me of Lester and how grateful I was now that I shared those moments with him.

Thinking of the things Lester and I did - there are SO MANY things that I am grateful for today that I was not “aware” of at the time. This book is all about awareness, that’s for sure. So now when the tears come I will know it’s because what brought on the tears is something I am grateful for that Lester gave to me.

Standing Knee-Deep in a River and Dying of Thirst

Friends I could count on, I could count on one hand
With a leftover finger or two
I took 'em for granted, let 'em all slip away
Now where they are I wish I knew

They roll by just like water
And I guess we never learn
Go through life parched and empty
Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst

Sometimes I remember sweethearts I've known
Some I've forgotten I suppose
One or two still linger, oh, and I wonder now
Why I ever let them go?

They roll by just like water
And I guess we never learn
Go through life parched and empty
Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst

So the sidewalk is crowded, the city goes by
And I rush through another day
And a world full of strangers turn their eyes to me
But I just look the other way

They roll by just like water
And I guess we never learn
Go through life parched and empty
Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst

They roll by just like water
And I guess we never learn
Go through life parched and empty

SIMPLE ABUNDANCE – DAY 5

I'm a day behind on my Simple Abundance, but that’s OK. Day 5 is all about reconnecting with your "authentic self" . . . a real eye opener for me and a wonderful insight!

Many of us feel a sadness we cannot name, but what is this sadness? Is the melancholy we feel because we miss the woman we were meant to be? We tend to miss our authentic self. But she has been waiting patiently for us to recognize her and reconnect.

What is my "authentic self"? As I sit at my computer typing this, I have to stop and think for a minute. Lester and I were together for 42 years and built a life that was pretty fulfilling, but I also know there was a part of me back then that I let go by the wayside and stay in the background because it didn't quite fit into our lifestyle, but that was OK. I was fulfilled with many other things he gave me.

Interestingly, after reading this “Day”, I’m guessing this “part of me” was my authentic self that I put on hold back then. I know my new journey is going to be different – it already is. There are things I’m doing that feel right and I’m sure it’s because this journey is taking me down a path that will help me reconnect with my authentic self. Whatever that may be. ~ Shirley

Unfortunately, many of us unconsciously act as if it were. An actress goes through the motions in order to conserve her energy for opening night . . . she holds back. This day is about holding back which prevents us from experiencing “real life” more frequently. When you do not hold back, you perform. It does take more effort to set an inviting table, but it does enhance the enjoyment of coming together and sharing a meal. When we take the time to fix our hair and put makeup on ~ we all feel better. We act different. This is “real life”.

It's been four days since starting this Simple Abundance journey. Sometimes I have to reread the "day" to truly understand it; and then, I still may not understand it. Sometimes you have to be able to read between the lines. And that's not easy for some. But it is interesting what one can glean from a page of written material. I definitely have a different perspective of "real life" as it pertains to Simple Abundance and what you have to do to experience it.

The first thing this day starts out with are the meanings of the words 1) simple, 2) abundance, and 3) simple abundance. I guess the intent is for us to know the true meaning of each word and that "simple abundance" encourages us to expand our thinking and be creative in the way we live.

So this tells me that living in simple abundance means an inner journey along a spiritual course in creative living which should give me a feeling of contentment. Not any contentment, but a tapestry of contentment.

Now I know what a tapestry is but wasn't prepared for a different interpretation of the word when I looked it up. I wanted to see how tapestry related to simple abundance. The first definition was the usual, a heavy ornamental fabric; but a second - be (all) part of life's rich pageant/tapestry - if you say that a bad or difficult experience is all part of life's rich tapestry, you mean that you must accept it because it is a part of life that cannot be avoided. Is that what we are saying when we say, "It is what it is?"

I think the first few chapters are laying the groundwork as this day explains what to expect. There are six principles that will act as guides as we make our inner journey over the next year. These principles are the six threads of abundant living which, when woven together, produce a tapestry of contentment that wraps us in inner peace.

First there is gratitude which gives way to simplicity which brings order which brings harmony which provides us with inner peace we need to appreciate the beauty which opens us to joy.

Today she wants us to become aware that we already possess all the wisdom, strength, and creativity needed to make our dreams come true and the way to reach this awareness is through an inner journey that brings about an emotional, psychological and spiritual transformation. Invite Spirit to open up the eyes of your inner awareness. Be still and wait expectantly knowing that in the chaos of your daily life as it exists today are the golden threads of a simple abundant tomorrow.

All I can say is, "Wow" . . . but I will take a day at a time, read each day and go from there. ~ Shirley

First of all, I'm a day late getting this posted on my website because I had a hard time understanding all of this. This day starts out wanting to know how often have I turned away from all that is unresolved in my heart because I fear the questions? Fear the questions? What the hell does that mean? It goes on to say . . . But what if I knew that a year from today I could be living a very fulfilled life. What would it be? What changes would you make? How and where would you begin? I guess these are the type of questions that people fear. I wouldn't. I think any unresolved issues that were in my heart a few months ago have changed or possibly are immaterial to me now, but that doesn't mean I don't have new ones. I have to think about this. But I will say that having a fulfilled life a year from now without Lester is hard to imagine; but I am on a new journey and need to find other things that "fulfill" me and it is already happening in small ways. I love that . . . and Lester would too!

Sarah (the author) says to be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. The answers to my questions will come, but only after I know which ones are worth asking. Wait. Live your questions. Does that mean keep the questions alive in your heart, be patient and wait for the change that the answers will bring? I can do that when the time comes.

For instance, I guess I do have an unresolved issue with my RV; i.e., getting it sold or not sold or whatever. It is a financial drain, but it's OK for now. I don't think about it (I just make the payment each month), but when the time comes I'm sure there will be questions and I just have to be patient and embrace them and let whatever is to happen - happen. But am I turning away from this unresolved issue because I'm not ready to deal with it yet? Probably. Am I turning away because I fear the questions? No way! It's just not the right time.

At this time I AM on a new journey working through the "Simple Abundance" book which is a 365-day journey in itself. Some "days" will be easier than others for me to decipher. As was this one. I think living in the moment, as I am trying to do, is being "patient". That might be why I'm not overwhelmed with stuff. Who knows. When the time comes for me to ask the questions, I need to be open to the change that the answers will bring. I think it's an exciting time to look forward to.

I've always said God works in mysterious ways and things come to you at times and in ways you wouldn't even think could happen. I've had that happen to me several times in my life, maybe more, and It's awesome when it does!! But it only happened when I prayed. Prayed emotionally. Not many can turn around and reflect on how it materialized, but when you do, it's pretty amazing to think it actually happened. Does the fear come from actually asking the questions and fearing they will not be answered? The last paragraph of Day 1 says "God is just waiting to be asked to help me make my dreams come true". You just have to believe that things will happen when they need to happen! And let it go. But I think you have to stay in the moment and know it will happen at some time . . . and that's hard for many people to believe.

I have a couple of friends who are also starting a new journey. They are excited and she posted on Facebook ~ Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I think that's part of what "Simple Abundance" is all about! ~ Shirley